The Trolling Of Microsoft: Games for Windows!

You know, most of the time when we talk about trolling, it tends to be those bored netizens who enjoy causing havoc for the laughs. It’s Next-Gen, geek-made entertainment, and done primarily for self satisfaction. We tend to think of these people as lacking responsibility, and envision them as children or, as captured in countless graphics online, lonely social exiles living in their parents basement. It is the way of the internet, and the trolls are a way of life. This is the Gotham City of the new age, and the villains, many harmless, are everywhere.

However, the biggest act of trolling I’ve personally encountered was by none other than Windows Live and Microsoft Games. I consider myself a relatively intelligent person, and reasonably patient to be sure.  The last couple of days have left me feeling like I needed an Ativan or a good stiff drink.

It began innocently enough. I bought three copies of the game Age of Empires Online for my family, as sort of an extracurricular activity during our downtime. I bought them from a store, but an install disk was not included. Instead it was a product key and a link to a Digtal Download. That’s sounds simple enough, right? After all, I believe most things will become digital in the future and disks will go the way of the 8-Track. So, we buckle down and decide we’re all going to give it a swing. We don’t live in the same houses, so we gathered on skype to execute our mutual gaming exprience! You know me, I’m an avid gamer.

What we encountered was laughable – at first.  Upon downloading the installer, I was able to install and patch the game. My Nephew installed, but the launcher would not patch. Instead it told him a file was corrupted and required a scan of the files. No problem, it’s not untypical for bytes and bits to get confused. So while he did that, I finished my patch and was taken to a splash page to create an Windows Live account, so I proceeded to input my detail only to find it wouldn’t accept my password. It happens! So, they have that handy dandy “I’ve forgottem my password because I’m an idiot” button, which took me to another page to input my email address which IS your windows Live ID, except, it told me no such ID existed… even more bizarre, on the Windows Live homepage – I was logged in! So it claimed it knew me, but I had to reset my password, then declared that it had no idea who I was. So I ended up in a vicious cycled for a good hour.

In the meantime, for the nephew, his “Scan files” button was grayed out, so he couldn’t repair his corrupted files. So he downloaded the installer again… then again… then again. So I sent him the files from my install folder that his launcher claimed was broken. Everytime I did that, it claimed ANOTHER file was corrupted.

Now, my Cousin on the other hand was able to install the launcher, and upon going to click the link to create a Windows Live Account, she was directed to a page that said, quite lovingly, “Oops, That shouldn’t have happened! You seem to have found a bug!” No matter which browser she used, no matter how many times she relaunched the page, OOPS!

We gave up, four hours in, each of us with our respective issues were defeated, hilariously, by Windows Live and their hyped game Age of Empires. Throwing in the towel, we went to bed and nursed hour wounded egos. We simple were not smarter than the Microsoft.

But I don’t give up that easily. The next day, I decided to create a NEW Windos live account. Thats right, bitches. This was round 2. I was down but not out. I launched that puppy again as I gnawed aggressively on a piece of Halloween candy licorice. But upong following the link from the launcher to create a new Windows Live account.. it said to me “OOPS!” and I was like “Oh no she didn’t.” But this time I refused to be daunted, so I turned to the all knowing Oracle we know as Google and I typed:

How to Create a Windows Live ID.

It took me to someplace connected to hotmail or XBox or something just designed to confuse the hell out of me like a flash bomb. But I found it! I put in a new email, created a new password and watched as the Next button activated. I was WINNING! Finally the last step. I waited for the email to verify my account.

And I waited…

And waited.

I returned to the web page that sent the verification emain, double checked my details and executed a second email to verify my email address, and waited again. And waited.

Never arrived. Still has never arrived. Deathblow.

While the Nephew couldn’t ever get the launcher to agree his files were not corrupted and the Cousin was taken out by the Windows Live webpages refusing her any glory beyond OOPS, I was stopped at the email that refused to deliver.

In all my years of gaming, I’ve never experienced anything like it. I expected there were cameras somewhere watching me, with an audience on the other side laughing over my plight, like a modern day Candid Camera. We were being Punk’d! But, nobody cared. It wasn’t even for the entertainment of anyone. In fact, there was no entertainment to be had. So of course, I did what any self respecting gamer would do. I went to check my crops in Farmville.

This was my first experience with the Windows Live gaming portal. And at the end of the day, looking for support on any of the issues seemed a little beyond reach, who do you contact? Microsoft? Windows Live? XBox? Do you go to the Age of Empires forums? Ugh. I think this is the perfect demonstration of how not to launch a product. I think we’re pretty much over the “portals” and “launch assistants” as it’s not a necessary middleman. Whatever happened to the era of simply signing in and playing? Today you have to have individual accounts, master accounts, passwords protectors to protect and organize your passwords, portal logins, game logins and its become terrain that’s rigorous to navigate – and unreasonably, especially when it comes to a small flash browser game.

No, none of us ever got to play. I have three unused keys if you’re interested.